magical dreamer

Easier to blog from a laptop but it isn't what I always want to do. I am not sure if people in my closer circle perceive my problems/pains as a lack of something to do. Over the past year, where I was stressed and worried about school, money, kids, my marriage and my weight/body shape, certain people keep giving me advice about what to do with my free time. Like why don't I start a blog about bags or things I like? Why don't I get a job? Why don't I exercise or go to the gym? I already have a blog, but I feel like I can't have a blog solely about bags because I honestly don't care that much about bags anymore. I might have bags that interest me here and there but it is no longer a constant thing. Besides, I already have this blog. It is personal/anonymous so I guess it's not what that person meant. And anyway, I just can't get the motivation for these suggestions; except thinking that my problems are "imaginary" and that I need to keep myself...

Feeling hopeful. My midterms just finished and one of my subjects only has 2 sessions remaining. Then I'll only have one class per week until the end of July. It'll be perfect time for me to go back to the gym and relax a bit before I graduate.  That's not to say that my remaining subject is easy breazy, it'll take a lot of work. But at least I'll be able to do it without stressing over several subjects at once.  I think pushing the surgery until September is better so that I can have the summer free to spend with my kids. We aren't taking any holidays but that's fine, we need to settle into a routine that has no interruptions. They can help me reorganize the house, or destroy it after I've organized it whichever perspective you look at it. 

...while waiting for a delayed flight home. I called mom to speak to my daughter who told me she misses me and to please come home. It warmed my heart to hear that and I can't wait to go home.  I am so squeamish about my diastasis recti, or abdominal muscle separation. I keep imagining my guts spilling out even though I know it is physically impossible.

I don't know why but it feels like in an argument, my family members seem to always take the other person's side. I don't know why there needs to be sides anyway but it happens. The automatically defend the other person as if I were just arguing for sport. Why is it ok if people are rude to me? My mother seems to have it in her mind that I am a bully and whenever something happens between me and a sibling it is automatically me being a bully.  So over the years it seems that if anyone is rude to me and I get annoyed and state that I refuse to be treated this way, my mom automatically sides with the person who was rude to me. Because no way could anyone be rude to a bully, right?  And i wasn't a bully. I was just the oldest sibling. The only time I was a "bully" was when I was under 10. My behavior wasn't that different than any other older siblings that we knew. What siblings didn't fight? It wasn't always someone's fault over the other. I reme...

Finally picked up a set of glamglow masks and tried them this morning. They're so lovely! My son was surprised to see the funny colors on my face and kept giggling and saying "mama?" it wss so adorable!  Love these little moments and trying to savor them...

So here i am sitting in bed with my school laptop in my lap. my son is asleep in his bed and my daughter and my cat are both cuddled in bed with me. is it just me or is this the best feeling in the world? i am practicing mindfulness in my own way and finding myself so full of love. 

So apparently i hurt my back in a rigorous 1.30 minute session of body pump. What can i say...i got a bit too excited. but in my defense there weren't many choices of what weights to carry so i always ended up carrying heavier than lighter.  i did decide though that i'm not too fond of the evening crowd to be honest... the kids are still home from school but i'm still keeping them home tomorrow so i could go out. been feeling so down lately i just need to do something out alone. the precious group i went out with just made me feel worse.  bleh...thinking of not going to uni tonight...i can't believe i'm still a student. but i can't give up now. only 2 more semesters at this rate. 

It's amazing. I kept thinking this song refers to a couple problem without knowing it was actually intended to be something different. I am extremely unhappy with my situation. The unhappiness has spilled into other areas of my life where I feel I pretty much lost enjoyment of everything. I detest this house even more than ever. Everyone says no don't worry, when you've fixed it up you'll love it but I can't even begin to think about fixing it because everything about it just makes me sick. It's ridiculous...it feels like I am taking everything for granted. I am so thankful and so blessed, but this pain? This pain I just can't help.

There is a blog managed by women for (mostly) women that I read from time to time. The owner/editor announced a few days ago that she hired new writers for her blog. On reading that I felt like... I wish I had applied and got accepted. I am not much of a writer anymore, but it really feels that writing for that specific website/blog would make me happy and it would be a good start in getting back into writing. While in Japan, I started scribbling into a notebook about a story that I am planning to write. I just don't know how it would turn out. Writing scares me a lot now and I feel like part of my soul is exposed. On my last post, I still sometimes wish I never got mixed up with this family. It makes me wonder if I had been happy to remain unmarried. I wouldn't be carrying all the extra weight on my head, and on my head alone. At the same time, I feel ridiculous to think all this. If I hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't have been blessed with my beautiful daughter a...

Lately I just haven't been sure what to write about. I didn't want to write about mundane events anymore. I have feelings that I just need to get out. There's a person who's been haunting me. My relationship with her was shaky at best, but knowing me, I just don't know when to walk away from a situation that doesn't work for me anymore. The relationship was a friendship in its loosest form. To keep this short, I guess there was a competition that I didn't know about. There were misunderstandings and me, in my weakness, I just kept apologizing as if I had really wronged her even though I haven't. For the longest time I was under her spell and I truly believed that I had caused her the misfortune that she claims I did. Finally, I had reached the end of the tether and cut communications between us. It wasn't that simple. The aftereffects of what I finally did just wouldn't leave me alone. We are basically a family. Dysfunctional, but a family (a...

i had 2 scrapbooks that i was working on during my pregnancy with my son. one was for my daughter and it had pictures of her from the very first ultrasound till the last and from when she was born till my son was born. the other one had pics of events and things that i was a part of. i can find neither of these scrapbooks and it makes me so sad. 

We will be heading to disneysea soon hopefully. got the tickets yesterday. i've just realized i feel very lonely without my hubby.   

this trip coming to an end. i don't feel like i enjoyed it to the max. there are so many more things we should have done. but i also don't know how we could have done things differently. one thing i would change is that my kids no longer need a double stroller. a small single one is sufficient. i already have 2 babyzen yoyo strollers for them but my son's still has the infant seat, id have to go purchase the next seat up. even if we do bring along 2 strollers it's doubtful that we would use both of them.  i really like these jeans from asos.com but just not sure if the only size they have available is actually mine. as for the kelly, i will just wait for the boutique to offer me mine and see if they would agree to letting me have a size 28 with gold hardware instead of a size 35. it can probably be arranged. i'll just visit the boutique and ask.  still wondering if we should go to disneysea tomorrow...i'm more for it than ever as i don't think there will be ...

I am going to make a list of things for me to get out in the world because I can't keep them inside any longer: My work for finance doesn't seem like it will end any time soon.  Instead of losing weight, I am gaining it. The worst week in the world to start potty training my daughter but I am going to try my best to keep it laid back  My marriage is, well.... nothing to say here. My back hurts more than ever. I want this semester to end already!!

A small getaway for my hubby & I. Honestly the main reasons are spa indulgences and sleeping in. It is the end of summer vacation and my sleep cycles are quite disrupted as of late. Whenever I get a chance to sleep in, I just do it! 

My FFXIV character, a Raen Au Ra; with the white dragon scales, dancing in beautiful Gridania. I love Gridania, it's one of my favorite cities in an MMO. Alongside Dalaran from World of Warcraft and Geffen from Ragnarok Online. I miss both games but I don't feel like playing too many MMOs at the moment. One MMO at a time is already too much. Someone told my mom that the babysitter has been taking pics of my kids on her phone. I personally have not seen that and I don't know...I don't think it bothers me as much as people want it to. I can't chase down every person in the street that happens to take a picture of something and my kids and I just happen to be passing by. I just can't get myself to care that much. So why does my chest hurt? Is it because people are trying to invoke more drama? I'm so tired of drama.

My horse has been missing for maybe a year now and I just now managed to find it. I had given it to DD to play with and I ended up finding it in her lunchbox.  Yesterday I went to the gym and did both body pump and spinning. I was supposed to go today too but woke up feeling a bit sick so I decided to play it safe and cancel my sessions. Tomorrow morning I've got a work related meeting. in the evening im torn between planning to go out with the kids or stay home and watch a family movie like Monster Inc or something. I need a new camera charger as I seem to have lost my old one. But at the same time going out means I'll mess up the kids' sleep schedules... DH had a 3 day weekend but it is coming to an end today. I miss him already. 

My first empty bottle of July. This is one of my favorites. Its scent is very floral, like a field in the summer. Such a fresh scent. I'm actually planning to repurchase in the future. My mom is very sweet...she's including me and the kids in her future travels. I'd really love it. Only Japan is in the works right now, postponed to the second week of August. But who knows? maybe another opportunity will present itself. 

I wish I had the time to go on outings like these with my kids more often. I don't want to say friends because I haven't gone out with my friends in many years. it's doubtful that anything will change any time soon.   

My future projects are scaring me but that's how I gauge the projects worth to me. It just feels like there won't be enough time for me to do everything that I hope to achieve in my life. A second master's degree? A career in addition to my projects? Raising my kids? Having more kids? Things are getting more confusing as of late. My new gadget purchases. It's hard to tell in the pic but the earphones have crystal studs on them and they're really cute.  Tomorrow I'm having a facial and on Saturday I'm having a hair treatment & mani pedi. Might actually go for some simple nail art.  My mom just got the floor plans of her new house and I'm in love! Can't wait to see how it turns out (in probably 2 years).