magical dreamer

This month has been difficult due to a great many things that I do not care to get into at the moment. My biggest problem right now is that I do not have high self-esteem and self-worth. I start feeling that everyone is talking about me, and that everyone is watching me to wait for a failure. The concept of "everyone hates you" is so arbitrary in my mind. How can a person know what everyone is thinking or what everyone is up to? How can one person be so important that everyone would want to talk about them or wonder what they do? The truth is, I've tried so hard to appear happy and to appear as if I had been drawn the best cards there are, but I haven't and it's been harder and harder to keep up the pretense. Earlier today my sister complained about individuals who constantly bring negativity to the room and that she feels she can no longer cope with it. I immediately felt like she was talking about me; or rather, I was the villain in the story she told. I...

I do believe my depression started when I was pregnant with my first, and it went untreated until after I had my second. During my first pregnancy, I realized my friends felt that I wasn't talking to them anymore. That I had no time to spend with them and didn't want to see them etc etc. Even though I just felt like I couldn't. I felt stranded and isolated from the world. I had bleeding for the first 5 months of pregnancy and had to remain in bed for some time after each episode of bleeding. I felt like my friends just didn't understand. It felt as if my family was not very supportive and not understanding of my pains. My aunt would blame my aches and pains on things I did. Then it got closer to the end of the pregnancy and labor was nowhere in sight. It exasperated my feeling of isolation. It felt as if there was a club of women that were able to go into labor themselves and weren't overdue like I were. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous for me to say it now but ...

I don't know why but it feels like in an argument, my family members seem to always take the other person's side. I don't know why there needs to be sides anyway but it happens. The automatically defend the other person as if I were just arguing for sport. Why is it ok if people are rude to me? My mother seems to have it in her mind that I am a bully and whenever something happens between me and a sibling it is automatically me being a bully.  So over the years it seems that if anyone is rude to me and I get annoyed and state that I refuse to be treated this way, my mom automatically sides with the person who was rude to me. Because no way could anyone be rude to a bully, right?  And i wasn't a bully. I was just the oldest sibling. The only time I was a "bully" was when I was under 10. My behavior wasn't that different than any other older siblings that we knew. What siblings didn't fight? It wasn't always someone's fault over the other. I reme...