magical dreamer

I've tried writing this post before, but i just wasn't sure how to continue.  My struggle at this chapter of my life is with empathy. I've always thought of myself as a highly empathetic person, fully able to appreciate another's point of view and feelings on what they were going through. It is perhaps my empathy that's got me into this mess. However, after all that's been said and done, I am struggling to have empathy for the other side. Instead i feel: -taken advantage of -exploited -wronged -defamed -angry -guilty Anger over all the time this ordeal has wasted. Over every second and every minute i spent doubting myself, wondering, worrying, going around in circles unsure of what i did wrong when the reality was that i did absolutely nothing wrong. Guilty, not because I've caused someone else misfortune, because I haven't. Guity of the misery that I caused myself. Misery that I did not deserve. I should have been allowed to be happy and enjoy my fresh ...

This month has been difficult due to a great many things that I do not care to get into at the moment. My biggest problem right now is that I do not have high self-esteem and self-worth. I start feeling that everyone is talking about me, and that everyone is watching me to wait for a failure. The concept of "everyone hates you" is so arbitrary in my mind. How can a person know what everyone is thinking or what everyone is up to? How can one person be so important that everyone would want to talk about them or wonder what they do? The truth is, I've tried so hard to appear happy and to appear as if I had been drawn the best cards there are, but I haven't and it's been harder and harder to keep up the pretense. Earlier today my sister complained about individuals who constantly bring negativity to the room and that she feels she can no longer cope with it. I immediately felt like she was talking about me; or rather, I was the villain in the story she told. I...

This is one of those days where life feels like it will never turn out the way I hoped it would. I could have been something. I could have gone somewhere. Instead I am here and I am not going anywhere and I will never be anything else.  I've been watching Gilmore Girls from beginning to end (in season 7 right now) and as usual nearing the end the storylines are bitter sweet. Some of the incidences feel very familiar and apply to my life. It hurts but at the same time makes me feel less alone.

I share because I want to feel something. I want to feel included. I want to feel the opposite of alone. I want to feel like others are suffering the same thing. I don't want others to suffer, but I just don't want to be alone. Maybe others who have had the same issues have found different ways of dealing with it, or have moved further than me in recovery. But nothing is helping. I end up feeling even more alone than I used to. Going to see my old obgyn tomorrow... don't know how it would help.

I do believe my depression started when I was pregnant with my first, and it went untreated until after I had my second. During my first pregnancy, I realized my friends felt that I wasn't talking to them anymore. That I had no time to spend with them and didn't want to see them etc etc. Even though I just felt like I couldn't. I felt stranded and isolated from the world. I had bleeding for the first 5 months of pregnancy and had to remain in bed for some time after each episode of bleeding. I felt like my friends just didn't understand. It felt as if my family was not very supportive and not understanding of my pains. My aunt would blame my aches and pains on things I did. Then it got closer to the end of the pregnancy and labor was nowhere in sight. It exasperated my feeling of isolation. It felt as if there was a club of women that were able to go into labor themselves and weren't overdue like I were. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous for me to say it now but ...

I don't know why but it feels like in an argument, my family members seem to always take the other person's side. I don't know why there needs to be sides anyway but it happens. The automatically defend the other person as if I were just arguing for sport. Why is it ok if people are rude to me? My mother seems to have it in her mind that I am a bully and whenever something happens between me and a sibling it is automatically me being a bully.  So over the years it seems that if anyone is rude to me and I get annoyed and state that I refuse to be treated this way, my mom automatically sides with the person who was rude to me. Because no way could anyone be rude to a bully, right?  And i wasn't a bully. I was just the oldest sibling. The only time I was a "bully" was when I was under 10. My behavior wasn't that different than any other older siblings that we knew. What siblings didn't fight? It wasn't always someone's fault over the other. I reme...

Today I woke up with a bad mood. I don't really know the cause of it other than the usual, except it's just not as intense. The past hurts still haunt me. My inability to forgive the past hurts still haunt me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, am I the only person who feels this way? Are other people able to let go of these pains easier? Why am I alone out here? Why am I the only one that seems to be suffering?  In other news, I feel I need to practice speaking English more often. If I try really hard, I think I can speak it pretty well...but it just isn't naturally easy anymore. I struggle and stumble and it feels really bad. What can I do to practice it? I thought of making Hearthstone videos. It may sound stupid because it's not like I'm even good at the game, but there is one battle in the Heroic Karazhan that I know the mechanics of SO well that I could teach a course on it. But unfortunately, I just don't have the time right now. 

This is so hard to understand. Will I ever get over the pain of not getting what I feel I rightfully deserve? Will anything ever make up for the way I was treated? When will this ever end? At times it feels like I've gotten over it, like I've moved on, like everything will be okay. Then all of a sudden one day the tape starts repeating itself, the track is on loop and I have no way of reaching the stop or delete button. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why is pain overtaking me?