magical dreamer

Sick of being treated like a bully with no regard to what hurt me. Sick of my apologies being thrown back at my face, I don't know what the other person wants at that point. Sick of other people's "illnesses" and "problems" being excuses for them to treat me badly; then if I react or get angry, they point the finger and say "see? she's a bully" I've had it. It seems like there is no way out.

This month has been difficult due to a great many things that I do not care to get into at the moment. My biggest problem right now is that I do not have high self-esteem and self-worth. I start feeling that everyone is talking about me, and that everyone is watching me to wait for a failure. The concept of "everyone hates you" is so arbitrary in my mind. How can a person know what everyone is thinking or what everyone is up to? How can one person be so important that everyone would want to talk about them or wonder what they do? The truth is, I've tried so hard to appear happy and to appear as if I had been drawn the best cards there are, but I haven't and it's been harder and harder to keep up the pretense. Earlier today my sister complained about individuals who constantly bring negativity to the room and that she feels she can no longer cope with it. I immediately felt like she was talking about me; or rather, I was the villain in the story she told. I...

Things don't seem to be going that well lately. I can't think. I can't concentrate. And I keep pacing back and forth seemingly with no aim. I don't know what to do with myself. We are drifting apart and away.

Lately I just haven't been sure what to write about. I didn't want to write about mundane events anymore. I have feelings that I just need to get out. There's a person who's been haunting me. My relationship with her was shaky at best, but knowing me, I just don't know when to walk away from a situation that doesn't work for me anymore. The relationship was a friendship in its loosest form. To keep this short, I guess there was a competition that I didn't know about. There were misunderstandings and me, in my weakness, I just kept apologizing as if I had really wronged her even though I haven't. For the longest time I was under her spell and I truly believed that I had caused her the misfortune that she claims I did. Finally, I had reached the end of the tether and cut communications between us. It wasn't that simple. The aftereffects of what I finally did just wouldn't leave me alone. We are basically a family. Dysfunctional, but a family (a...

This is so hard to understand. Will I ever get over the pain of not getting what I feel I rightfully deserve? Will anything ever make up for the way I was treated? When will this ever end? At times it feels like I've gotten over it, like I've moved on, like everything will be okay. Then all of a sudden one day the tape starts repeating itself, the track is on loop and I have no way of reaching the stop or delete button. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why is pain overtaking me?