magical dreamer

This month has been difficult due to a great many things that I do not care to get into at the moment. My biggest problem right now is that I do not have high self-esteem and self-worth. I start feeling that everyone is talking about me, and that everyone is watching me to wait for a failure. The concept of "everyone hates you" is so arbitrary in my mind. How can a person know what everyone is thinking or what everyone is up to? How can one person be so important that everyone would want to talk about them or wonder what they do? The truth is, I've tried so hard to appear happy and to appear as if I had been drawn the best cards there are, but I haven't and it's been harder and harder to keep up the pretense. Earlier today my sister complained about individuals who constantly bring negativity to the room and that she feels she can no longer cope with it. I immediately felt like she was talking about me; or rather, I was the villain in the story she told. I...

It must be human nature. Whenever I saw family who asked what happened with my friend, how did she die. I say that she had no known health problems, and that she had a blood clot. They immediately say "but blood clots have causes, she must have had an underlying illness that she didn't know about," But what is the point of saying things like that? Some people can be so insensitive. It is human nature after all. Anyone could have underlying illnesses that show up suddenly and their light goes out faster than anyone can notice. I, too, wondered if there was something wrong. If she had known about an underlying condition that she didn't want to share. But what's the point? What's done is done. Death will soon come knocking on our doors and it won't necessarily have a reason. Once we're gone, knowing or not knowing our "secret illnesses that we didn't know about" won't make any difference. The ones who remain may grasp at what once wa...

"Hello, how are you? I'm sorry, I have bad news but I have to tell you. Our friend ____ has passed away and her family wondered if..." After that point, it was all blank. All of it. All I could see was her face and her smile. Nothing else seemed real. One of the sweetest people I know, the most gentle and giving heart.  Have we been pranked? Was there a mistake?  And then I couldn't remember the last time I saw her. All our conversations started evaporating from my mind, almost as if my brain has envoked a defense mechanism to distance itself from the pain at hand. I just couldn't remember a thing. 

My brother is currently on a course and he'll be done in January. He's invited me to travel with him once he's done as he'll have a vacation from work. His destination is most probably Japan. I asked if he minds my bringing the kids and he said he doesn't. Something to look forward to as I feel like there's nothing for me to look forward to at the moment in terms of travel. I'd love to give my kids the opportunity to go to Disneyland again. My daughter has such fond memories there.

Easier to blog from a laptop but it isn't what I always want to do. I am not sure if people in my closer circle perceive my problems/pains as a lack of something to do. Over the past year, where I was stressed and worried about school, money, kids, my marriage and my weight/body shape, certain people keep giving me advice about what to do with my free time. Like why don't I start a blog about bags or things I like? Why don't I get a job? Why don't I exercise or go to the gym? I already have a blog, but I feel like I can't have a blog solely about bags because I honestly don't care that much about bags anymore. I might have bags that interest me here and there but it is no longer a constant thing. Besides, I already have this blog. It is personal/anonymous so I guess it's not what that person meant. And anyway, I just can't get the motivation for these suggestions; except thinking that my problems are "imaginary" and that I need to keep myself...

bleh...this app keeps eating my posts. there doesn't seem to be an update for it so i am at loss.

i keep going to the same old place for the same old memories, which are bittersweet. i miss my life. what i did is miniscule and i am sorry if it came across in a way different than intended. but i don't believe myself to have done anything wrong. i was always a shy person by nature, but i do notice people and remember things about them. i guess some people find that weird? 

Between finally graduating college, taking care of my kids and playing video games. What is the theme of this blog and what is its purpose? If i were writing a book and each month was a chapter, what would readers get out of its content, if anything at all? I'm practicing writing because there was a story I wanted to put out into the world. The story is no more...it partially became resolved in my head and I no longer had much to share about it. 

I joined a semi-pug of Tomb of Sargeras and did so badly that I left after the 4th boss. I felt so bad I couldn't believe it. Why does it seem like there is a glass ceiling for me? Why is there a mental block? Why can't I progress? Even when I go and make mistakes, I don't see myself learning. I haven't learned anything to be honest even if I do know the tactics and watched all the videos I still make mistakes. It seems that the feel-good factor just isn't there. Not sure what would happen once I get a job, if I get a job that is, would I continue to feel like crap every time things don't go the way I want them to? It'll take a while for me to learn a new job and it'll take some disappointments on the way because that's just how you learn. Then something nice happened. I did the 5 timewrap dungeon quest and opened the chest and found... Which brightened up my night. Funny. Something I put no effort into because it's purely by chance and th...

My Paladin with the full Uldar set. I think it looks great! Hoping this week I can finish the Blackrock Foundry mythic set... the normal set, which is what I prefer since it is more of a classic paladin look, is just too far from my grasp at the moment.  Here's a screenshot with the paladin mount. When the class mounts were first brought to my attention, the paladin one seemed a bit underwhelming. But you know what? I actually like it! It's a horse in armor which is also classic paladin! Hoping I get armor that suits my horse's armor!

This is one of those days where life feels like it will never turn out the way I hoped it would. I could have been something. I could have gone somewhere. Instead I am here and I am not going anywhere and I will never be anything else.  I've been watching Gilmore Girls from beginning to end (in season 7 right now) and as usual nearing the end the storylines are bitter sweet. Some of the incidences feel very familiar and apply to my life. It hurts but at the same time makes me feel less alone.