magical dreamer

I guess one of the things that I can't get out of my head is that I never got the closure I wanted. I never had the opportunity to have a conversation. Things were really bad and I was extremely miserable, but I never got any apologies or gratitude for being the scapegoat and being understanding. I feel that I've been wronged, and not just by "her". It's more than I can take.

I'm writing this on my phone while sitting with my kids playing in the bath. They're clapping their hands in the bubbles and building castles with them.  A week on prozac has just passed and I'm not sure if anything feels any different. Or maybe this is a significant difference that I've taken for granted: it seems I didn't have any bouts of intrusive negative thoughts this past week. Whether it is caused by prozac or not is unclear. On the other hand, jaw clenching has returned. This was a side-effect of my previous medication. It is so bad that the jaw pain is constant.  ~~~~~~~ the bath was done so i had to get the kiddos dressed and ready.  tomorrow morning i'm going to be having my second therapy session with a new therapist and i'm kinda nervous.  ~~~~~~~ something i ate at dinner got stuck and/or injured my throat and it's sore right now...making me nauseous...

I've tried writing this post before, but i just wasn't sure how to continue.  My struggle at this chapter of my life is with empathy. I've always thought of myself as a highly empathetic person, fully able to appreciate another's point of view and feelings on what they were going through. It is perhaps my empathy that's got me into this mess. However, after all that's been said and done, I am struggling to have empathy for the other side. Instead i feel: -taken advantage of -exploited -wronged -defamed -angry -guilty Anger over all the time this ordeal has wasted. Over every second and every minute i spent doubting myself, wondering, worrying, going around in circles unsure of what i did wrong when the reality was that i did absolutely nothing wrong. Guilty, not because I've caused someone else misfortune, because I haven't. Guity of the misery that I caused myself. Misery that I did not deserve. I should have been allowed to be happy and enjoy my fresh

Got FFVIII on steam recently and been playing it. The game world is my absolute favorite. The modern day setting games are always attractive to me, way more than medival settings. Dollet & Deling are both very European looking. It makes me miss travel. I would love it if the game was remade.  A mosquito bit me on the nose and it is starting to swell up. I really hope it calms down by morning, I'm planning to exercise after the morning school run and do not want to wear make up to cover redness.  

It's funny, after I'd decided that I would replace it, it was found. And I'm glad.  My nails for the week. There are 3 colors if it doesn't show.  

Tomorrow, I'm getting a new ipad. My mind is made up. I was going to have a brazilian blow-out for my hair this month but I don't care about that as much as replacing my lost ipad.  I hope we can have a snack at Laduree while we're at it...

Saw these shoes yesterday on my shopping trip and couldn't help but buy them. They were really affordable, too, in comparison to what I usually buy. Just saw them in the shop window and had to go in and try. I miss that feeling, the feeling of seeing something beautiful in person and wanting to try it. Lately most of my shopping is done online and that really takes the fun out of it. However, I am older now and get easily shopped out. I wanted to look for a skirt in a specific style and just got too tired to look.  Made an appointment with a psychiatrist dr for next weekend... I think my symptoms have gone long enough and it's time to see if there's anything that could change.  I've been wanting to change the layout and color scheme of my blog, but I just don't know where to start. When I was younger it was a passion of mine to go through layouts and write code but now I guess I just got old and boring. 

My iPad is still missing. It's so frustrating. I almost want to replace it already but I guess I'm fine using A's for the moment. It just means I can't use my iTunes library.  A few days ago I went out with my kids to a play area followed by dinner. Tomorroe I plan to take them out to play somewhere else, do some light shopping, and then have some lunch.  I've been somewhat nostalgic to Final Fantasy VIII. It was one of my favorite game world. While the FMV at the time were amazing in terms of graphics, I actually loved the charm of in-game graphics. Loved the interiors of Balamb Garden, Deling City, the train station(s) & pretty much anywhere, really. I loved Rinoa's room decor, the one with the forest owls. Found a few pictures online but in-game screenshots from back then, I guess, aren't really clear. In bed hungry again, getting used to the hunger.

My iPad is missing... I woke up yesterday morning and it wasn't there on my nightstand anymore. In the morning I thought that I saw it with my son in the living room.After that, nothing. I've looked everywhere. No one has seen it. I'm really upset about this... I know my youngest probably put it somewhere silly and forgot where that is, but it's pointless to ask as he has no idea what I'm saying.

In terms of mental health, I am trying to pinpoint what things could mean and whether or not they are symptoms of something. I did a quiz the other day that said my results highly coincide with a person with borderline personality disorder. My mom has previously told the doctor she saw that she suspected my late father to have had something similar to borderline personality disorder and also suspects me to have it. At the time I was put on antidepressants to fight the symptoms and I also saw a therapist. The dr didn't agree or disagree with what my mom thought, or rather there probably wasn't enough information to say for sure. Anyway, when I read about individuals having a sense of impending doom, I do wonder what that means. I wish I had someone to discuss these things with and bounce ideas off of. A sense of impending doom, does it mean one feels that they are going to die? Or that something horrible is going to happen? I recall having such feelings when my oldest was an i

I guess I've hit a weight-loss plateau right now. I will propose this challenge. If by the end of November, I reach 65 kgs and remain at 65 kgs (or even lose), I will reward myself with the following shoes: These shoes were sort of on my wishlist since before I got married. The Gina flats. But there was never a right time/occasion to buy them and I ended up getting other shoes. The last pair of shoes I bought was in April. Not that I desperately need shoes, but in order to put my shopping in check and motivate myself to lose weight, this sounds like a suitable reward. However, if I do not reach the weight at the specified time, there has to be a penalty, right? So if I do not reach 65 kgs by the end of November, I will not be getting those shoes even if I reach the weight at a later time! That is my goal. 65 kg by the end of November and maintaining it or losing more for the 2 weeks after reaching it.

- I'm broody and want another baby, but feel like the time is not right. How does one balance between the right time and the inherited feeling of broodiness? - I want to have a tummy tuck still. I want to feel beautiful. - I think I may need to go on anti-depressants again.

I have to admit something bad. I've been eating a lot of cookies this past week and it makes me feel so awful. Solution? Maybe cutting out things like cookies/pasteries needs to go at a slower pace than the other things. I rarely have other cravings nowadays, it's just the cookies. I'll start with only having 1 day a week where I won't eat a cookie, and allow myself a cookie on a daily basis except for that day, then slowly work it up to 2 days a week. My weight-loss journey is full of trial and error, and I just don't know what to do to create lifelong habits except try different things. I also need to remember that I don't like the way my digestive system feels after binge-eating all those cookies. It feels heavy and I can't stand it. In other news, I managed to blow-dry my hair using a blow-dryer and separate brush- like they do at salons. I never thought the day would come where I'd be able to do this and it feels great. My hair looks better than

This morning my husband sent me 3 reddit posts. One was about a woman who lost around 22 kilos. I guess to him that's a way of motivating me. The woman looks beautiful in both her before and after pictures. But you know what? Even in her before shot, she didn't have a belly that even remotely resembles mine. I haven't really seen bellies like mine reduce so I don't feel like I have proof it can even happen. So it feels like unless I have surgery, I will always have this mixture of fat and sag and open muscles. The second post was a cute cat post. The third was titled, "I look at this picture whenever I feel that life has been unfair to me,". You could probably guess what the picture was. The type of picture that makes you feel guilty for whining about your first world problems. It makes me feel that there is a voice that nags at me, "you have a roof over your head, safety, peace, a loving family, food on the table, you have everything and you still fe

Sick of being treated like a bully with no regard to what hurt me. Sick of my apologies being thrown back at my face, I don't know what the other person wants at that point. Sick of other people's "illnesses" and "problems" being excuses for them to treat me badly; then if I react or get angry, they point the finger and say "see? she's a bully" I've had it. It seems like there is no way out.

With my cousin's wedding coming up this weekend, i wanted to make sure my foundation and concealers all match my skin tone. My current make up shows a slight variation, and I actually just ran out of concealer today. Decided to try two different ones, from Becca and MAC.  I also picked up a neutral eyeshadow palette full of matte colors, since I have enough shimmery palettes. I have 2 palettes that are supposed to be highlighting ones but they are too colorful and shimmery and I found myself struggling to use them on my face...they ended up being eyeshadows anyway.  Need to practice putting on false lashes...it's been such a long time. I love how they open up my eyes. 

May I settle into a routine and lose more fat than the past few months. Being with my sister is bad for my soul. This is the gut feeling that I should be listening to.

This month has been difficult due to a great many things that I do not care to get into at the moment. My biggest problem right now is that I do not have high self-esteem and self-worth. I start feeling that everyone is talking about me, and that everyone is watching me to wait for a failure. The concept of "everyone hates you" is so arbitrary in my mind. How can a person know what everyone is thinking or what everyone is up to? How can one person be so important that everyone would want to talk about them or wonder what they do? The truth is, I've tried so hard to appear happy and to appear as if I had been drawn the best cards there are, but I haven't and it's been harder and harder to keep up the pretense. Earlier today my sister complained about individuals who constantly bring negativity to the room and that she feels she can no longer cope with it. I immediately felt like she was talking about me; or rather, I was the villain in the story she told. I

It must be human nature. Whenever I saw family who asked what happened with my friend, how did she die. I say that she had no known health problems, and that she had a blood clot. They immediately say "but blood clots have causes, she must have had an underlying illness that she didn't know about," But what is the point of saying things like that? Some people can be so insensitive. It is human nature after all. Anyone could have underlying illnesses that show up suddenly and their light goes out faster than anyone can notice. I, too, wondered if there was something wrong. If she had known about an underlying condition that she didn't want to share. But what's the point? What's done is done. Death will soon come knocking on our doors and it won't necessarily have a reason. Once we're gone, knowing or not knowing our "secret illnesses that we didn't know about" won't make any difference. The ones who remain may grasp at what once wa

"Hello, how are you? I'm sorry, I have bad news but I have to tell you. Our friend ____ has passed away and her family wondered if..." After that point, it was all blank. All of it. All I could see was her face and her smile. Nothing else seemed real. One of the sweetest people I know, the most gentle and giving heart.  Have we been pranked? Was there a mistake?  And then I couldn't remember the last time I saw her. All our conversations started evaporating from my mind, almost as if my brain has envoked a defense mechanism to distance itself from the pain at hand. I just couldn't remember a thing. 

My brother is currently on a course and he'll be done in January. He's invited me to travel with him once he's done as he'll have a vacation from work. His destination is most probably Japan. I asked if he minds my bringing the kids and he said he doesn't. Something to look forward to as I feel like there's nothing for me to look forward to at the moment in terms of travel. I'd love to give my kids the opportunity to go to Disneyland again. My daughter has such fond memories there.

Easier to blog from a laptop but it isn't what I always want to do. I am not sure if people in my closer circle perceive my problems/pains as a lack of something to do. Over the past year, where I was stressed and worried about school, money, kids, my marriage and my weight/body shape, certain people keep giving me advice about what to do with my free time. Like why don't I start a blog about bags or things I like? Why don't I get a job? Why don't I exercise or go to the gym? I already have a blog, but I feel like I can't have a blog solely about bags because I honestly don't care that much about bags anymore. I might have bags that interest me here and there but it is no longer a constant thing. Besides, I already have this blog. It is personal/anonymous so I guess it's not what that person meant. And anyway, I just can't get the motivation for these suggestions; except thinking that my problems are "imaginary" and that I need to keep myself

bleh...this app keeps eating my posts. there doesn't seem to be an update for it so i am at loss.

i keep going to the same old place for the same old memories, which are bittersweet. i miss my life. what i did is miniscule and i am sorry if it came across in a way different than intended. but i don't believe myself to have done anything wrong. i was always a shy person by nature, but i do notice people and remember things about them. i guess some people find that weird? 

Between finally graduating college, taking care of my kids and playing video games. What is the theme of this blog and what is its purpose? If i were writing a book and each month was a chapter, what would readers get out of its content, if anything at all? I'm practicing writing because there was a story I wanted to put out into the world. The story is no more...it partially became resolved in my head and I no longer had much to share about it. 

I joined a semi-pug of Tomb of Sargeras and did so badly that I left after the 4th boss. I felt so bad I couldn't believe it. Why does it seem like there is a glass ceiling for me? Why is there a mental block? Why can't I progress? Even when I go and make mistakes, I don't see myself learning. I haven't learned anything to be honest even if I do know the tactics and watched all the videos I still make mistakes. It seems that the feel-good factor just isn't there. Not sure what would happen once I get a job, if I get a job that is, would I continue to feel like crap every time things don't go the way I want them to? It'll take a while for me to learn a new job and it'll take some disappointments on the way because that's just how you learn. Then something nice happened. I did the 5 timewrap dungeon quest and opened the chest and found... Which brightened up my night. Funny. Something I put no effort into because it's purely by chance and th

My Paladin with the full Uldar set. I think it looks great! Hoping this week I can finish the Blackrock Foundry mythic set... the normal set, which is what I prefer since it is more of a classic paladin look, is just too far from my grasp at the moment.  Here's a screenshot with the paladin mount. When the class mounts were first brought to my attention, the paladin one seemed a bit underwhelming. But you know what? I actually like it! It's a horse in armor which is also classic paladin! Hoping I get armor that suits my horse's armor!

This is one of those days where life feels like it will never turn out the way I hoped it would. I could have been something. I could have gone somewhere. Instead I am here and I am not going anywhere and I will never be anything else.  I've been watching Gilmore Girls from beginning to end (in season 7 right now) and as usual nearing the end the storylines are bitter sweet. Some of the incidences feel very familiar and apply to my life. It hurts but at the same time makes me feel less alone.

It feels there isn't anything to look forward to anymore. I'll never go anywhere or do anything. School results are coming back within this week. Maybe based on that, i should just apply for a job. it would help me a lot not to need anything from anyone.   

these days i find myself getting extremely aggravated over things like sharing with individuals that don't reciprecate or do not appreciate what i bring to the table. the aggravation isn't a pleasant thing to deal with, but i guess this is a good place to start in order to finally identify when situations are good for me or when they aren't.

Now that school's out I can play wow and post about it as much as i'd like. My main currently is my paladin on draenor. Sitting at ilvl 909. Haven't been able to join any ToS raids but hopefully soon. i've been too busy to get invested in learning the mechanics. Current gear look is a transmog look but it is getting changed soon. hoping to get the full ulduar set soon as i think it looks great and ulduar is so nostalgic!

I'm so pleased with my diet progress. I've lost 3 kgs since the beginning of July but it's not all recorded in my weight-loss page. It's okay though...it's all in my gym records as they have the scales that also know body fat and muscle and so on. Would love to be a regular at body pump at least twice a week in addition to my twice a week personal training sessions. Then maybe riding once a week. Increased activity levels will surely help me feel better about myself! I also got a new pinterest account due to the fact that I gave access to some IRL business associates to my old one and I don't feel like sharing my personal life with everyone so, here it is: https://www.pinterest.com/sapphiresandlace/

My original engagement ring. Haven't worn it for a while so i decided to store the other one and use this one.  So disappointed in my nail polish, though...started chipping on the same day. It was the salon's own brand and i was warned it would only last a few days. But same day?!! School already went out, but i don't want to talk/think about that.  Had a tiny car accident which damaged my poor car. But i don't want to talk/think about that, either. Just waiting to hear from the insurance company. I don't expect them to be fast or anything...  

I just really want to graduate. I can't handle this tension. I want my finals to end once and for all. Someone please knock some sense into me if I ever consider being a student again. This is what my meals have been looking like lately. I love broccoli!   

Got this several weeks ago and have only opened it a few days ago. it's a cute pair of shoes in a style i've been interested in since january. but shows the level of interest since i haven't worn them yet. i keep telling myself that i'll stop being sharing. i'll tell people nothing. i'll keep things because sharing only hurts me. but i never learn, do i... there's no one that i havent opened up to about the surgery that i'm not going to do. but i wanted to learn from their experiences if they had them...   

I weighed myself today and I am .9 kgs less than the last weigh-in. It's a start. I feel enough is enough and it's time to see something change and I'll do everything I can to make it happen. Tonight I'm having trouble sleeping because I have some acid reflux and I'm craving some quinoa. But I will not be giving in to the cravings. I'll have quinoa tomorrow with one of my meals perhaps, but I will avoid everything that makes me binge-eat. No more biscuits and chocolates. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday. Going to have to make sure I don't eat anything I'm not supposed to. It will be hard but prior to getting married, I could always keep myself in check even in special events. It was only when I got a bit older that I started binge-eating whenever I met up with my friends. The title of the post refers to my semester. I don't now what's going to happen with the remainder of my assignments and projects, but I do hope I do enough to pass. At

whether i have the surgery or not, i need to reach a healthy bmi. i need to reach a healthy weight. it's time to go back on track with the weight loss journey. 

I share because I want to feel something. I want to feel included. I want to feel the opposite of alone. I want to feel like others are suffering the same thing. I don't want others to suffer, but I just don't want to be alone. Maybe others who have had the same issues have found different ways of dealing with it, or have moved further than me in recovery. But nothing is helping. I end up feeling even more alone than I used to. Going to see my old obgyn tomorrow... don't know how it would help.

Netflix wouldn't load at all last night so I ended up watching comedy on instagram until very late at night... don't know how i didn't wake up hubby and the kids. Tomorrow at noon I'll be going to the gym since I didn't get a chance to go today. Then on Tuesday morning I'm going to see my obgyn to get an opinion on the level of abdominal separation that I have and what a pregnancy would do to it, and ask if she's had moms that gave birth after having a tummy tuck and how that worked out. I'm having a yearning for another baby...I don't think I can wait a few years...

just an attempt at being the happy cheerful girl i remember myself to be.  loving these days of the week undies i got from hollister. so cute and comfie.  been rewatching sherlock season 1...or at least trying to. my net connection is causing the episode to get really choppy on netflix!  

This subject has the following remaining: -Classwork assignment -Case study 1 -Quiz retake -Case study 2 -Final project And then the final exam on the 23rd or 24th of July. Not much left only 3 weeks!! Gotta work hard so I can earn my freedom!

I've realized lately that when something upsetting happens, especially if it's at school, I fail to write about it. I just feel like I want it to pass like business as usual. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. But this time I think I should write about it because I'm not going to get closure anyway. So yesterday, I had a business plan presentation. My final final thing for my capstone project. I was new to the group and new to the professor but I feel I was prejudiced as the "late-comer" even though it wasn't my fault. I mean, I never defended myself because I didn't want to appear as if I were blaming the university administration when I know that given what they do, someone unrelated would have to shoulder the blame knowing completely it wasn't their job. So instead of defending myself and attacking the university, I stay silent so I appear as if I deserve being called the "late-comer". I had gotten approval for my business pl

I have: -An assignment -A case study -A quiz -A business plan All due within the next 10 days. What have I been doing today? Playing wow.  My tummy bloat is giving me extreme discomfort at the moment. It's almost as if my stomach is so used to being bloated that when I haven't eaten and it's not bloated, it hangs forward like an apron and hurts me at the top of the stomach. Maybe I should get the advice of both a dietican and internal medicine specialist before having my abdominoplasty. 

I no longer wish to put in the full effort. I can't take the disappointment. All the pain, the emotional burden, the time I spent not giving my kids the 100% they deserve and I end up with the bare minimum in comparison to others. This has been one of the worst decisions I have ever made and I can't wait for it to be over.

...until I toughened up, and tried the emerald nightmare on normal mode. And it was easy. So I toughened up further and tried the assault on violet hold and the vault of the wardens, both on mythic. The first one had a more experienced overall group and it was incredibly easy, I barely healed at all. The second group had experienced and well-geared players and it also had an off-spec tank who was only tanking to boost his friend, so it was slightly more challenging but still do-able. The challenge was enjoyable and not at all stressful.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll try mythic blackrook hold and use my level 2 keystone for cathedral of eternal night. Hubby may join the latter.  I want to get ready to do the normal nighthold raid before tomb of sargeras is released on wednesday. Cutting it kinda close but worth a shot.

Feeling hopeful. My midterms just finished and one of my subjects only has 2 sessions remaining. Then I'll only have one class per week until the end of July. It'll be perfect time for me to go back to the gym and relax a bit before I graduate.  That's not to say that my remaining subject is easy breazy, it'll take a lot of work. But at least I'll be able to do it without stressing over several subjects at once.  I think pushing the surgery until September is better so that I can have the summer free to spend with my kids. We aren't taking any holidays but that's fine, we need to settle into a routine that has no interruptions. They can help me reorganize the house, or destroy it after I've organized it whichever perspective you look at it. 

When I was younger my family wondered who i was talking to whenever i was showering. They could hear talking but it was muffled through the shower and door etc. People sing in the shower...i don't, i give interviews! Usually about the latest movie I had started in. It's strange because I don't like being the center of attention nor do i like acting. i wouldn't know how to say anything meaningful if i were ever interviewed for real.  Lately it's been different. i give myself a therapy session in the shower, or i give a presentation or interview about some personal or professional achievement. maybe one day i'll discover what i'm really good at...make a breakthrough...but refuse to give real interviews- only shower ones. 

You really don't know how you would react to a situation until it actually happens. There are thoughts that just make me angry and upset that I can't really handle but then all of a sudden one thing happens and you think it won't undo anything yet you realize that your pain levels have decreased. Nothing will ever be the same, of course, but it's almost as if a shadow that has once clouded yours and everyone else's thoughts has been washed away by daylight. I recently started outlining chapters of a story that I was planning to write. I reached a point where I know more or less what's going to happen, but I've run out of things to outline. I don't want to reach the end yet but I guess this is how stories become stretched out more than you should and it waters down whatever real content they may have. I am an amateur, though, and I don't think anyone is going to read my story. So maybe it doesn't matter? My tummy tuck issue has brought up a fe

Although my course load has decrease tremendously this semester... why do I feel my pressure rising? Is it because I'm THIS close to the finish line and at this point there is no way not to feel pressure? I miss when I was a graduating student last, when days were good and full of sunshine and happiness. I miss my life.

I didn't weigh myself yesterday because I completely forgot. I was so busy I overslept and missed my class this morning and I feel so bad about that.  I also feel bad about everything I ate when i had dinner at my mom's today.  Just need to get serious now... it isn't smart what i'm doing. wish i didn't miss the class...

I've finally found an economics professor that actually does an honest job teaching. Or maybe I should try and be more fair and say is able to teach in a way that makes most sense to me. This evens up everything I've gone through and had to put up with and feel very pleased so far.

Started taking this pink bubblegum bag for a spin a while back but it already spent a bit more than a week with me and it's back in the closet. i cant wait to reduce my bag collection because i am overwhelmed for once. but i do need to mull over what to sell/give away because i have no room for regrets.  tomorrow the kids will hopefully be ready to go back to school.  

It just struck me how guilty i feel that my kids, especially my daughter, have missed 10 days of preschool. in september my daughter is starting a new chapter in a different establishment. she has really enjoyed preschool and loves her teachers and caretakers, but right now she only has one more month with them but she's sick. i would like her (both of them actually) not to still be throwing up or having loose bms before going...and what if it's contagious? i just dont know what to do.

I've started watching this show from HBO Canada, Big Little Lies. My sister mentioned it a few months ago but I don't remember the name ever sticking. Browsing around iTunes sometime last week and I initially thought, "is this the adult version of Pretty Little Liars?", but I don't know. Not really. Although it is a dark mystery type. I gave up watching Pretty Little Liars because I couldn't handle being teased anymore.  The show is extremely well done. I'm only a few episodes in but because of how well done it is, it makes me not want to miss anything. Admittedly, there are several things which are hard to watch so I tend to just skip over them. But the first time I watched the first episode I was simultaneously playing a game on Hearthstone and ended up playing Hearthstone over watching the show. Not because Hearthstone is more interesting, but because there was a degree of depth in the show that required a specific state of mind. This is not so

Is it crazy that i want to have abdominoplasty? maybe. here are random things that come to mind pertaining to it: -i am unable to lose weight -i cant handle my abdomen looking the way it does anymore -i dont know when/if we have any more babies.  the baby issue bothers me because: -the husband situation requires intense work -the husband's finances require intense work -i dont have a job yet have been carrying the burden of taking care of this family alone

It normally isn't possible for me to lose this much weight in a week...but I've been sick and will probably regain everything I've lost. I even stopped working out because of how weak I've been, but thankfully I am getting better now. Will resume my workout regime tomorrow evening. Had the brazilian blow out yesterday...I can really see how dry and damaged the ends of my hair are...maybe it's time for another olaplex treatment or protein fillers treatment soon to try and help it.

I've started a serious weight-loss journey now with weekly weigh-ins. I will not be focusing on muscle gain or loss since for the next 6 weeks or so my weight training will be somewhat minimal. In July I should be able to attend weights training sessions at the gym again. So for now, it will only focus on weight and BMI. The first weigh-in was today and it was already recorded!

This evening I had another consultation for a tummy tuck. The dr actually said that she also recommends breast reduction, which had been on my mind but my tummy is a bigger priority for me. Tentatively, I will probably have the procedure done in September! Costs around 30% higher than the last place, but the dr really put my mind at ease which is the main reason in my mind I am ok with it. By September I hope to be at a normal BMI (25 and under). I am currently at the BMI of 26.2 or so. 

My daughter is sick and I don't know what to do. She's not so sick that she needs to go to the emergency room, even if we do go I doubt we'll be seen. But she's been throwing up and now she's asleep. She keeps complaining of tummy aches and crying. I think I'll keep her home from preschool tomorrow and take her to the outpatient clinic in the morning. We've just switched to new IKEA toddler beds today. M's asleep so she didn't realize, R however, is still trying to climb up his baby bed which makes me sad. Did I switch him too soon? I felt like he as unhappy being in a baby bed... M was unhappy even younger than him, and for her it was the right decision. Did I make the wrong choice?

I do believe my depression started when I was pregnant with my first, and it went untreated until after I had my second. During my first pregnancy, I realized my friends felt that I wasn't talking to them anymore. That I had no time to spend with them and didn't want to see them etc etc. Even though I just felt like I couldn't. I felt stranded and isolated from the world. I had bleeding for the first 5 months of pregnancy and had to remain in bed for some time after each episode of bleeding. I felt like my friends just didn't understand. It felt as if my family was not very supportive and not understanding of my pains. My aunt would blame my aches and pains on things I did. Then it got closer to the end of the pregnancy and labor was nowhere in sight. It exasperated my feeling of isolation. It felt as if there was a club of women that were able to go into labor themselves and weren't overdue like I were. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous for me to say it now but

That combination can't go wrong in my opinion. Introducing my seasonal mini purchased during my winter trip to Tokyo. My pink chanel collection, though, is complete. I found my last one on my spring trip, not sure if I mentioned. It's the one I saw at my home boutique on valentine's day but didn't have a chance to go back and look for it because i had. een way too busy. i'll try and put up a pic of it sometime aoon. it's such a pretty bubblegum pink and some boutiques didn't have it.

...while waiting for a delayed flight home. I called mom to speak to my daughter who told me she misses me and to please come home. It warmed my heart to hear that and I can't wait to go home.  I am so squeamish about my diastasis recti, or abdominal muscle separation. I keep imagining my guts spilling out even though I know it is physically impossible.

 Started playing persona 5 today and i've enjoyed it so much i spent almost 5 non-continuous hours on it. it felt good to be lost in a game that doesn't make one feel lonely. 

It turns out the reason for my belly looking the way it does, and the bloating after eating and looking pregnant is having separation of the abdominal muscles.  The plastic surgeon said liposuction wouldn't produce desirable results and recommends a full tummy tuck with liposuction of my back. She had originally asked me if we are planning to have more children and I said yes but we've delayed it. We are planning to wait 2+ years to have another child (for other reasons) and she said that should be fine.  I asked if there had been side effects for women who have had babies post tummy tuck. She said for women that tell her of their plans she used disolvable sutures for muscle repair which has not had any side effects. In rare cases where permanent sutures were used, babies have had low birth weights.  I'd love to go for the surgery but there's a lot of things to think about. I need to organize my thoughts. 

My popflex active clothes are here and look amazing! Already thinking of what else i want from there! Everything looks so gorgeous i just don't know what i'd choose! This morning i attended body pump at my gym and it went great! i just kept the weights light and didn't carry the bar on my back for squats. i considered it my workout of the day and didn't add on to it once i got home.  My appointment with the plastic surgeon is tomorrow. i need to write down my questions and concerns on a piece of paper so i don't forget in the moment. 

Today I did some hiit on the treadmill and then some pilates even though i had a headache but i'm glad i forced myself to push through it. my belly is deflating but i'm still planning to see a plastic surgeon for a consultation next week to figure out my options.  Decided to get my kids matching beds, which means my youngest will no longer be in a baby bed. if i have more babies in the future (which i do hope & pray that i do) i dont think i'll get a convertable bed again.  My sephora order arrived in record speed and i'm very pleased. can't wait to use this mask. happy it comes with an application brush!  

So I decided to get all this from Sephora: I've been wanting the glamglow sonic tightening mask but it wasn't available yet. I am currently using an oil facial cleanser for maybe a week now but I realized that doesn't go well with my skin and I really need to use a regular foaming one (I mean, I know what works best for me, right?) even if only once a day. And eye masks, ugh! Eye masks! I haven't slept in a looong time and it really shows! Hopefully some masks can be relaxing.

I received my order from gymshark today and now I can safely say I understand why their leggings are always out of stock.Can't wait to wear them to the gym! Plans for tomorrow: -take the kids to preschool -workout -go to physiotherapy -finish my finance assignment and project (scared of these) -go to school to hand in the project and take the kids along -come back home and wait for hubby to get home from work -head to my hair color appointment (even though i havent made a decision about what to do with my hair) -take my bracelets to cartier to get the screws changed (bleh)  And that's all, folks! 

I am purposely not posting about school, because I don't want to talk about it. I don't know the stats of that ring I'm wearing, but it was a gift from my mom and I love it. Last year she got me another ring... a princess cut. I am not sure if I've ever posted a picture of it. One day I plan to own a cushion cut with a halo and split shank, just like this ring by LaurenB . 

I finally made an order from Popflex Active It's so pretty like a dance outfit! They have a lot of lovely outfits I think I'm going to order some more after I receive my order and ensure the size is okay. 

I can't believe it's been 20 days since I last posted. I have been really busy with my school work. My holiday was partially spent on school work, but it still wasn't enough. I am probably going to fail 1 subject out of 4. One of the others has a presentation of a big research that we weren't informed of early enough and I have asked to have mine postponed and be like a re-sit 1 week later but I haven't heard back yet. It's almost as if the professor doesn't even read his emails. It's frustrating. The groups in class all had their work done by people they paid to do it. It's as if plagiarism doesn't have meaning in this school, it really hurts. This is why I opted not to work with any of them because I don't want my name to be stamped on something that I or my group mates didn't do ourselves; especially since I plan to one day go for a research degree so I would never be happy with this. But what's the point if I fail this 2nd subje

I don't know why but it feels like in an argument, my family members seem to always take the other person's side. I don't know why there needs to be sides anyway but it happens. The automatically defend the other person as if I were just arguing for sport. Why is it ok if people are rude to me? My mother seems to have it in her mind that I am a bully and whenever something happens between me and a sibling it is automatically me being a bully.  So over the years it seems that if anyone is rude to me and I get annoyed and state that I refuse to be treated this way, my mom automatically sides with the person who was rude to me. Because no way could anyone be rude to a bully, right?  And i wasn't a bully. I was just the oldest sibling. The only time I was a "bully" was when I was under 10. My behavior wasn't that different than any other older siblings that we knew. What siblings didn't fight? It wasn't always someone's fault over the other. I reme

In terms of school... finish up my remaining research and study in order to be done with my semester by the end of April. No travel plans for May so i can just relax until my summer semester starts. Probably can properly toilet train/enfroce toilet training for my daughter.  In terms of my body... -Go back to intermitten fasting as soon as we are home from the holidays. -Use the treadmill for 20 mins minimum every day -Add 1 pop pilates video to my workouts every other day. -Record weight once a week Depending on my progress, i will schedule an appointment with a plastic in 4 months. By then I'll hopefully have graduated and can afford to have some downtime. I wont necessarily have the surgery in August...maybe something like September or something. I need to be able to schedule it properly so it doesnt come between launching my own business.  My procedure of choice? Liposuction. Why? Because even when I had a BMI of 18, I still had belly fat. I am genetically dispositioned to havi

Things don't seem to be going that well lately. I can't think. I can't concentrate. And I keep pacing back and forth seemingly with no aim. I don't know what to do with myself. We are drifting apart and away.

Found something cute and small at Hermes yesterday! A constance wallet in orange poppy!  We also finally watched Beauty & the Beast and i loved it so much! The actors and actresses were all so perfect for their parts and the production was overall amazing!   

Today I woke up with a bad mood. I don't really know the cause of it other than the usual, except it's just not as intense. The past hurts still haunt me. My inability to forgive the past hurts still haunt me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, am I the only person who feels this way? Are other people able to let go of these pains easier? Why am I alone out here? Why am I the only one that seems to be suffering?  In other news, I feel I need to practice speaking English more often. If I try really hard, I think I can speak it pretty well...but it just isn't naturally easy anymore. I struggle and stumble and it feels really bad. What can I do to practice it? I thought of making Hearthstone videos. It may sound stupid because it's not like I'm even good at the game, but there is one battle in the Heroic Karazhan that I know the mechanics of SO well that I could teach a course on it. But unfortunately, I just don't have the time right now. 

My bag of the moment. 37 camel bolide gold hardware possibly in clemence i am not sure as i've had it for a long time. Because i'm stressed about my studies, i'm just sitting here watching grey's anatomy fantasizing about my hair being in better condition. everyone on that show has great hair! i love amelia shephard's hair in season 11 and i love april kepner's hair in season 13! and i still have no idea what i'll do about my hair. i feel like my natural roots will eventually reach my shoulders until i make a decison!  

This one is my etoupe 35 with gold hardware. i really want a gold 32 with gold hardware. i don't know if i'd ever be offered one...  

After last night's International Finance class I felt full of hope. I felt that the professor wants to help us learn any way possible. And i have already prepared a daily to do list in order to finish all my assignments in time.  I am not sure if I mentioned my back injury. It was irritated while doing crossfit (first attempt ever) and i had to get an MRI done. It shows that my prolapsed disc is now pressing on a nerve (it previously wasn't) and the orthopedic i saw suggestion i get started with spinal decompression therapy.  In addition, I am planning to see a plastic surgeon asap to talk about what could be done to improve my body. This exercise downtime is going to make it even harder for me to reach my goals. I am a person who was fit and athletic most of my life. I wasn't all cut up and muscular but i had decent muscle gain. i worked out every day of the week. 2-3 times a week at the gym and riding horses 5 times a week. I was disciplined and ate mostly healthy. My die

I've reached a point where I really can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. My body feels hideous and I honestly don't feel like it could get better anymore. It's possible I am not losing weight because my carb intake is still very high and I still have sugar in my hot drinks. I just don't know what to do. I can stand the idea of having no sugar but for example, no dairy? To me that's insane. I love my little cups of love (warm milk and tea) and they are a pick me up. Looks like I'll need to find another way to have my daily pick me up. And now after agitating my back injury (spinal stenosis) I don't know when I would be able to work out again. I don't want to jump back into it as soon as the pain subsides (not that it looks like it will any time soon). So generally I just feel like crap now and I don't know what to do with myself...

In 20 days, we are off to London. I'm really excited and can't wait. But I have a lot of work to do and I hope that most if not all of it will already be done. It just feels crazy that I am doing 4 courses this semester with barely enough time to cover the work that needs to be done. I also don't want to sacrifice on my time spent with my kids and my workout time (because it keeps me sane). Had to take my car to get some minor repairs done and now I'm driving the family car again. I've been spoiled with my 5 camera parking assist on my audi that it seems parking without it is next to impossible. Really hoping it's not gone too long but I guess I could use the practice.

My cute friend whom we visited yesterday gave my sister and i these make up sets from too faced. the packaging is just so pretty. toofaced os always adorable anyway and i've been trying to switch completely to cruelty-free cosmetics but havent been successful yet... today i've been thinking how i wish i had accomplished something interesting. i had many interests and hobbies that i've been hoping to turn into business ideas but to no avail: -my cafe (under process atm) -clothing line (was under process but died) -jewelry line (remained sketches on paper) -published author (haven't properly written anything non-academic in many years) i just need to be productive. this has been ingrained in me and there is desperate need to be creative that i just can't find a way to fulfill.   

So I received a call from the Hermes boutique saying that they will receive a constance with specifications desirable to me. But I rejected it because they said I would have to make purchases around 20% less of its price in order to be able to purchase it. And the purchases cannot be in bags. Bags are easy. I love bags. I want variations of bags I already have (leather, size, hardware, etc) but I can't randomly spend that type of money on a wallet I'm not sold on, or jewelry that I don't even like. It's ridiculous. In addition, they couldn't find my kelly wish from 2015 in order to adjust it to size 32. I find that really frustrating. I find myself not wanting the constance anymore. I still want a 32 kelly but I don't care- I'll wait till we go to Japan again and will try my luck there even if it means buying it from a secondary market. I wish I bought that pink ostrich birkin from Japan :(

My hermes boutique has a system where they would only release a birkin you buy a big piece of jewelry. So i bought a kelly bracelet and this birkin 30 in rouge grenat togo with gold hardware. i really really broke the bank doing this. and to those who think that i'm going to cause my family to starve, no, that's not the case. my family worked hard so that we can have what we have now and i was not raised as a big spender, although i was given gifts from my family regularly as i was growing up and even now, i only started spoiling myself when i became an adult and i still can't help but feel guilty. none of my siblings are big spenders like i am and they don't really care for luxury goods like i do. that's why i feel guilty.  yet at the same time, i still want an exotic kelly and a normal kelly. my purpose for going to hermes was to change my waitlist order from kelly 35 to kelly 32. it will be 2 years since i made the order this summer, but it looks like it might st

Week by week I keep saying this week I'll go to class prepared, I'll have everything done before the day comes, everything will be fine. But it never is. It NEVER is. What is wrong with me?

Finally picked up a set of glamglow masks and tried them this morning. They're so lovely! My son was surprised to see the funny colors on my face and kept giggling and saying "mama?" it wss so adorable!  Love these little moments and trying to savor them...

So here i am sitting in bed with my school laptop in my lap. my son is asleep in his bed and my daughter and my cat are both cuddled in bed with me. is it just me or is this the best feeling in the world? i am practicing mindfulness in my own way and finding myself so full of love. 

So last night i decided to give away a bunch of my bags. i'm slowly decluttering my life right now and on sunday someone is going to come with a truck to pick up the furniture that we don't need anymore. a lot of stuff just got moved with us when we first moved in here from our previous living situation that we just didn't realize we don't need. Most of the time we didn't even choose them ourselves and were just given to us by others.  i don't know why i'm so stressed lately...there's no reason to be this stressed...

so this is my vday gift to myself. why? because i'm worth it. i saw a pink boy chanel only a few counters down and almost told them to take back mine and bring me one of those. the shade of pink is perfect. so here's something i hate. a person feels that they are suffering injustice in their workplace or being overworked and instead of going to a person who can make a difference and address their problems and make a difference, they just mention in passing to anyone who will listen that they are having health problems due to their job. i hate to say man up/woman up/grow a pair or whatever so i guess i'm changing the expression to saddle up.      

So apparently i hurt my back in a rigorous 1.30 minute session of body pump. What can i say...i got a bit too excited. but in my defense there weren't many choices of what weights to carry so i always ended up carrying heavier than lighter.  i did decide though that i'm not too fond of the evening crowd to be honest... the kids are still home from school but i'm still keeping them home tomorrow so i could go out. been feeling so down lately i just need to do something out alone. the precious group i went out with just made me feel worse.  bleh...thinking of not going to uni tonight...i can't believe i'm still a student. but i can't give up now. only 2 more semesters at this rate. 

My bag of the day. i like how this bag looks like it's a vintage bag and something that just came out a few months ago. the girl on the train, then gone girl, then sharp objects. i liked the last one the least but i am considering reading dark places next.  my skin is breaking out again...i think i am due for another session of hydrafacial.   

I bought this bag in the summer of 2015...and used it for the first time last week. i should definitely circulate my bags more often, and give away or sell bags i don't want to use anymore. There's no need for all the clutter, really.  Project spring cleaning is now underway, even though it's not even spring yet. But these projects tend to take months anyway.   

this chanel has become mine. slightly different color than expected and it is the largest size which looks like a tiny suitcase but i love and and so glad that i have it.   

Last night we went to dinner at my aunt's house and they had The Girl on the Train prepared for us to watch. I had trouble concentrating because it was so noisy and the kids were running around everywhere but once I was able to finally concentrate, I loved it. It had a lot of things that I loved in a story. Ugly human nature. I love it when you can see that the characters show their ugly sides, or know that what they are doing isn't right but they know who they are. Some of the things that the main character did/had done to her are a bit hard to watch. While watching the movie I went on my iPhone and bought the book on iBooks. I started reading it last night and finished this evening, that's how much I couldn't put it down. This is the sort of book that I would want to write about. Incidents where a character perceives events a certain way, only for the reader to discover later on that the truth was completely different. I would love to read a book from the perspe