Things unsaid

I don't know why but it feels like in an argument, my family members seem to always take the other person's side. I don't know why there needs to be sides anyway but it happens. The automatically defend the other person as if I were just arguing for sport. Why is it ok if people are rude to me? My mother seems to have it in her mind that I am a bully and whenever something happens between me and a sibling it is automatically me being a bully. 

So over the years it seems that if anyone is rude to me and I get annoyed and state that I refuse to be treated this way, my mom automatically sides with the person who was rude to me. Because no way could anyone be rude to a bully, right? 

And i wasn't a bully. I was just the oldest sibling. The only time I was a "bully" was when I was under 10. My behavior wasn't that different than any other older siblings that we knew. What siblings didn't fight? It wasn't always someone's fault over the other. I remember it so clearly, I grew up feeling like I were inheretidly evil when in fact, I had low-self estrem, no trust at all in my abilities and always felt like no matter what I did, I was an evil-doer. My mom would throw accusations that were really hurtful to me. I was a child, I should not have had to carry any responsibility that was bigger than me. 

Now, 20+ years later, I am not only treated like a bully, but a bully with low self-esteem. They all recognize what little self-esteem I had and blame me for it. Blame me for getting stressed when our airlines documents aren't out and ready at the counter. Blame me for getting stressed when I can't find my keys or tickets and I feel that time is sensitive. It was branded in me. It's who I am now and I can't change it. Blamed because I'm not perfect so I have to get stressed to reach the perfection that I can never seem to achieve.