magical dreamer

When I was planning my wedding, I had many anxious dreams where my hair and make up artists didn't come and it was getting late and I was standing there with my dress and undone hair and make up. To make matters worse, a friend (in the dream) was saying, "it's ok let's go get you some make up from the mall!" as if it would help! This time I guess I dreamed because of anxiety towards my sister's wedding. In the dream she & I went out into the venue to make final touches to the decor, but the guests had already arrived (early! hours early!) and again we were wearing our dresses with undone hair and make up. Then all of a sudden I was a tribute in the hunger games and I was worried because I don't know how to use any weapons and "can I just hide in a tree until it's all over??" It's just so bizzare! Not even the first batch of such dreams but the first one relating to my sister's wedding. 

Happy to be back, I've missed my regular habits & meals!

So many things to contemplate. A few things changed in my mind lately.  We've gone to France a few times during our stay in Switzerland. Only a few more days to go but I honestly feel done and ready to go home. M's formula is about to finish...so I have to get her something new here. It was quite a big miscalculation in my opinion but I think we'll be fine. The only brand I saw here was aptimil, and she's had it before when she was 4 months old so I'm not worried about it being foreign to her. She's been eating yogurt and ella's kitchen satchets but we're almost out of the latter.  I had a dream that I am preparing for the arrival of a baby girl. It's kind of surprising as I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. With M at 6 weeks and a few days I dreamed that M was a girl. But the circumstances were different with M. This is what I saw today.

We went and had lunch in France.

I've decided that I need to make better diet choices already rather than wait till we go back home. It's really difficult because sometimes the grills are too expensive and just some fish and chips are better for the pockets (though I don't enjoy the chips), but at least I did a good job rejecting chocolates and sweets today. But I ate a whole lot of alpen and chewy nature valley bars that were too sweet for me so maybe it wasn't a good day anyway.  I'm torn between wanting to feel pregnant and wanting to have energy to exercise and eat healthy. I hope and pray for a sticky bean.  Bought this toner recently but I can't find the small pack of cotton pads I bought. 

There are so many things I'd like to do to keep myself busy, rather than worrying about things that I feel that I'd like to have but can't. The simple truth is, even if I didn't have the current obstacles I'd have other ones. This is what I believe.  In other news, I'm pregnant! 

Always find the strangest things! 

Whenever I think of how I there aren't any more Rainbow Rowell books to be read, I feel so sad.  I'm excited about going to Europe but nervous at the same time. DH isn't joining us and I feel so guilty. It would have been better if we had just taken a trip just the 3 of us...though DH & I just took a late honeymoon in June, it made me so happy.  So nauseous these days though it's probably more diet related than anything.

I really don't feel pregnant. At least I'll have another month to lose weight before trying again.  Finished all of Rainbow Rowell's books. I feel book hungover. I think this is why I don't read. 

A few days ago we had Japanese take outs again and they were amazing. Still craving them!  My cousin sent me my pic when I was maybe 2-3 years old. I was sporting a pixie cut and wearing a cute dress and party hat. I wouldn't mind dressing my LO the same dress when she's the same age if we still had it!

We've been spending our mornings the same way all summer. After she wakes up I bring her to our bed, give her her bottle then keep her in till we all wake up properly. I will not take these moments for granted.  Today I am in the 2ww. Excited. Nervous. Scared. Wondering if it's right trying again so soon. Will it be fair for M? Would I miss her being the only baby? Will I be able to divide my attention between 2 under 2? This is all premature...it's possible it still takes us longer.  We were invited to go on another trip at the end of August. I would honestly love it but I don't think it'll happen for us. They are planning to go to Japan in March. That I'd honestly invite myself to because Its been my dream for as long as I can remember. Obviously won't be possible if we are expecting another bambino...maybe won't be possible either way but I have to keep trying.  Sometimes we just have to accept that the big things aren't made or controlled by us.

Somehow I ended up buying a kimono after all. My DH was excited and said he'd like to see me wear one; and he'd like to wear a men's one too. They were authentic kimonos sourced from Japan not kimono-style dresses as I've originally thought. They said they are also bringing a men's selection in the future. I can't wait to go to that area again, there's an upholstery store that I want to check out.  These days I'm reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. The story is so nostalgic I can't help but love it. Reading it slow because I don't want it to finish. I have another book by the same author and from reading the back cover, I can tell it's equally nostalgic! 

Today I'm planning to go out with my sister. We're going to a dress shop to look at Kimono type dresses. I've wanted a kimono type dress for as long as I can remember, but I don't think I will get one today. Too many other things came up and I can barely justify the other spending. We are traveling soon!! I've been thinking about something. I never got an apology for how I was treated, but I was the quickest to apologize which only confirmed in their minds that I was wrong, even though I wasn't. I'm thankful I no longer have to deal with the negativity anymore, even though no one apologized. It hurts sometimes, but if they had apologized I would have not only forgiven but forgotten as well. They would still be in my life and the same old toxic cycle would be going on. I am thankful for my blessing, even though it took me a year and a half to realize what it was. 

Today we decided to get takeouts for dinner and just eat at home. These shrimp tempura rolls may not look so appetizing but they are delicious! 

I've decided that it was finally time to let things go. Everything happens for a reason and there's a perfect time for everything. I was blessed with many beautiful things in my life and it's high time I show appreciation for them. In time, I'll get to do everything I want just have to master this skill: patience 

The way this blog looks right now isn't really going to be the final look. I'm still tweaking here and there but it's been so long I need to figure out what I want and how I can make it happen.  I've had a really rough couple of days where my negativity was at its worst. I am glad I decided never to blog when I am in that kind of darkness- as I just do not want to reread and revisit it in the future when it is over and gone.  Finally decided on a dress to wear to the wedding. It will be based on the yellow Ralph Lauren gown that Serena wore in Gossip Girl...the ruffled one she wore to her mother's wedding. Come to think of it this is not the first time I've chosen something to wear based on Gossip Girl, or had my hair styled based on the same show. The best thing about the show really was the fashion. I also really like the dress Serena wore in Blair's wedding, the maid of honor dress. But I'll just try to find a pic of the first dress right now f

Just thought that we all need reminders from time to time. Whether it be losing the remaining belly since having my baby (I've come a long way), going back to graduate studies, and traveling to Japan. I can do these things and I will. Maybe I should prioritize though, between graduate studies and Japan, because both are costly and I would rather finish my graduate studies first- and till then maybe vacation at less expensive locations. Like the Maldives or Kuala Lumpur. My scales at home aren't the type that tells you how much of your weight is body fat. But maybe it would be a good idea to invest in some? I also really want to start TTC, but would it be a good time with graduate studies coming up and me still trying to get fit, and the fact that we do not have a house yet? The heart wants what it wants, even if one's brain doesn't agree.