magical dreamer

Things don't seem to be going that well lately. I can't think. I can't concentrate. And I keep pacing back and forth seemingly with no aim. I don't know what to do with myself. We are drifting apart and away.

Found something cute and small at Hermes yesterday! A constance wallet in orange poppy!  We also finally watched Beauty & the Beast and i loved it so much! The actors and actresses were all so perfect for their parts and the production was overall amazing!   

Today I woke up with a bad mood. I don't really know the cause of it other than the usual, except it's just not as intense. The past hurts still haunt me. My inability to forgive the past hurts still haunt me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, am I the only person who feels this way? Are other people able to let go of these pains easier? Why am I alone out here? Why am I the only one that seems to be suffering?  In other news, I feel I need to practice speaking English more often. If I try really hard, I think I can speak it pretty well...but it just isn't naturally easy anymore. I struggle and stumble and it feels really bad. What can I do to practice it? I thought of making Hearthstone videos. It may sound stupid because it's not like I'm even good at the game, but there is one battle in the Heroic Karazhan that I know the mechanics of SO well that I could teach a course on it. But unfortunately, I just don't have the time right now. 

My bag of the moment. 37 camel bolide gold hardware possibly in clemence i am not sure as i've had it for a long time. Because i'm stressed about my studies, i'm just sitting here watching grey's anatomy fantasizing about my hair being in better condition. everyone on that show has great hair! i love amelia shephard's hair in season 11 and i love april kepner's hair in season 13! and i still have no idea what i'll do about my hair. i feel like my natural roots will eventually reach my shoulders until i make a decison!  

This one is my etoupe 35 with gold hardware. i really want a gold 32 with gold hardware. i don't know if i'd ever be offered one...  

After last night's International Finance class I felt full of hope. I felt that the professor wants to help us learn any way possible. And i have already prepared a daily to do list in order to finish all my assignments in time.  I am not sure if I mentioned my back injury. It was irritated while doing crossfit (first attempt ever) and i had to get an MRI done. It shows that my prolapsed disc is now pressing on a nerve (it previously wasn't) and the orthopedic i saw suggestion i get started with spinal decompression therapy.  In addition, I am planning to see a plastic surgeon asap to talk about what could be done to improve my body. This exercise downtime is going to make it even harder for me to reach my goals. I am a person who was fit and athletic most of my life. I wasn't all cut up and muscular but i had decent muscle gain. i worked out every day of the week. 2-3 times a week at the gym and riding horses 5 times a week. I was disciplined and ate mostly healthy. My die

I've reached a point where I really can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. My body feels hideous and I honestly don't feel like it could get better anymore. It's possible I am not losing weight because my carb intake is still very high and I still have sugar in my hot drinks. I just don't know what to do. I can stand the idea of having no sugar but for example, no dairy? To me that's insane. I love my little cups of love (warm milk and tea) and they are a pick me up. Looks like I'll need to find another way to have my daily pick me up. And now after agitating my back injury (spinal stenosis) I don't know when I would be able to work out again. I don't want to jump back into it as soon as the pain subsides (not that it looks like it will any time soon). So generally I just feel like crap now and I don't know what to do with myself...

In 20 days, we are off to London. I'm really excited and can't wait. But I have a lot of work to do and I hope that most if not all of it will already be done. It just feels crazy that I am doing 4 courses this semester with barely enough time to cover the work that needs to be done. I also don't want to sacrifice on my time spent with my kids and my workout time (because it keeps me sane). Had to take my car to get some minor repairs done and now I'm driving the family car again. I've been spoiled with my 5 camera parking assist on my audi that it seems parking without it is next to impossible. Really hoping it's not gone too long but I guess I could use the practice.

My cute friend whom we visited yesterday gave my sister and i these make up sets from too faced. the packaging is just so pretty. toofaced os always adorable anyway and i've been trying to switch completely to cruelty-free cosmetics but havent been successful yet... today i've been thinking how i wish i had accomplished something interesting. i had many interests and hobbies that i've been hoping to turn into business ideas but to no avail: -my cafe (under process atm) -clothing line (was under process but died) -jewelry line (remained sketches on paper) -published author (haven't properly written anything non-academic in many years) i just need to be productive. this has been ingrained in me and there is desperate need to be creative that i just can't find a way to fulfill.   

So I received a call from the Hermes boutique saying that they will receive a constance with specifications desirable to me. But I rejected it because they said I would have to make purchases around 20% less of its price in order to be able to purchase it. And the purchases cannot be in bags. Bags are easy. I love bags. I want variations of bags I already have (leather, size, hardware, etc) but I can't randomly spend that type of money on a wallet I'm not sold on, or jewelry that I don't even like. It's ridiculous. In addition, they couldn't find my kelly wish from 2015 in order to adjust it to size 32. I find that really frustrating. I find myself not wanting the constance anymore. I still want a 32 kelly but I don't care- I'll wait till we go to Japan again and will try my luck there even if it means buying it from a secondary market. I wish I bought that pink ostrich birkin from Japan :(

My hermes boutique has a system where they would only release a birkin you buy a big piece of jewelry. So i bought a kelly bracelet and this birkin 30 in rouge grenat togo with gold hardware. i really really broke the bank doing this. and to those who think that i'm going to cause my family to starve, no, that's not the case. my family worked hard so that we can have what we have now and i was not raised as a big spender, although i was given gifts from my family regularly as i was growing up and even now, i only started spoiling myself when i became an adult and i still can't help but feel guilty. none of my siblings are big spenders like i am and they don't really care for luxury goods like i do. that's why i feel guilty.  yet at the same time, i still want an exotic kelly and a normal kelly. my purpose for going to hermes was to change my waitlist order from kelly 35 to kelly 32. it will be 2 years since i made the order this summer, but it looks like it might st