magical dreamer

I've tried writing this post before, but i just wasn't sure how to continue.  My struggle at this chapter of my life is with empathy. I've always thought of myself as a highly empathetic person, fully able to appreciate another's point of view and feelings on what they were going through. It is perhaps my empathy that's got me into this mess. However, after all that's been said and done, I am struggling to have empathy for the other side. Instead i feel: -taken advantage of -exploited -wronged -defamed -angry -guilty Anger over all the time this ordeal has wasted. Over every second and every minute i spent doubting myself, wondering, worrying, going around in circles unsure of what i did wrong when the reality was that i did absolutely nothing wrong. Guilty, not because I've caused someone else misfortune, because I haven't. Guity of the misery that I caused myself. Misery that I did not deserve. I should have been allowed to be happy and enjoy my fresh

Got FFVIII on steam recently and been playing it. The game world is my absolute favorite. The modern day setting games are always attractive to me, way more than medival settings. Dollet & Deling are both very European looking. It makes me miss travel. I would love it if the game was remade.  A mosquito bit me on the nose and it is starting to swell up. I really hope it calms down by morning, I'm planning to exercise after the morning school run and do not want to wear make up to cover redness.  

It's funny, after I'd decided that I would replace it, it was found. And I'm glad.  My nails for the week. There are 3 colors if it doesn't show.  

Tomorrow, I'm getting a new ipad. My mind is made up. I was going to have a brazilian blow-out for my hair this month but I don't care about that as much as replacing my lost ipad.  I hope we can have a snack at Laduree while we're at it...

Saw these shoes yesterday on my shopping trip and couldn't help but buy them. They were really affordable, too, in comparison to what I usually buy. Just saw them in the shop window and had to go in and try. I miss that feeling, the feeling of seeing something beautiful in person and wanting to try it. Lately most of my shopping is done online and that really takes the fun out of it. However, I am older now and get easily shopped out. I wanted to look for a skirt in a specific style and just got too tired to look.  Made an appointment with a psychiatrist dr for next weekend... I think my symptoms have gone long enough and it's time to see if there's anything that could change.  I've been wanting to change the layout and color scheme of my blog, but I just don't know where to start. When I was younger it was a passion of mine to go through layouts and write code but now I guess I just got old and boring. 

My iPad is still missing. It's so frustrating. I almost want to replace it already but I guess I'm fine using A's for the moment. It just means I can't use my iTunes library.  A few days ago I went out with my kids to a play area followed by dinner. Tomorroe I plan to take them out to play somewhere else, do some light shopping, and then have some lunch.  I've been somewhat nostalgic to Final Fantasy VIII. It was one of my favorite game world. While the FMV at the time were amazing in terms of graphics, I actually loved the charm of in-game graphics. Loved the interiors of Balamb Garden, Deling City, the train station(s) & pretty much anywhere, really. I loved Rinoa's room decor, the one with the forest owls. Found a few pictures online but in-game screenshots from back then, I guess, aren't really clear. In bed hungry again, getting used to the hunger.

My iPad is missing... I woke up yesterday morning and it wasn't there on my nightstand anymore. In the morning I thought that I saw it with my son in the living room.After that, nothing. I've looked everywhere. No one has seen it. I'm really upset about this... I know my youngest probably put it somewhere silly and forgot where that is, but it's pointless to ask as he has no idea what I'm saying.

In terms of mental health, I am trying to pinpoint what things could mean and whether or not they are symptoms of something. I did a quiz the other day that said my results highly coincide with a person with borderline personality disorder. My mom has previously told the doctor she saw that she suspected my late father to have had something similar to borderline personality disorder and also suspects me to have it. At the time I was put on antidepressants to fight the symptoms and I also saw a therapist. The dr didn't agree or disagree with what my mom thought, or rather there probably wasn't enough information to say for sure. Anyway, when I read about individuals having a sense of impending doom, I do wonder what that means. I wish I had someone to discuss these things with and bounce ideas off of. A sense of impending doom, does it mean one feels that they are going to die? Or that something horrible is going to happen? I recall having such feelings when my oldest was an i

I guess I've hit a weight-loss plateau right now. I will propose this challenge. If by the end of November, I reach 65 kgs and remain at 65 kgs (or even lose), I will reward myself with the following shoes: These shoes were sort of on my wishlist since before I got married. The Gina flats. But there was never a right time/occasion to buy them and I ended up getting other shoes. The last pair of shoes I bought was in April. Not that I desperately need shoes, but in order to put my shopping in check and motivate myself to lose weight, this sounds like a suitable reward. However, if I do not reach the weight at the specified time, there has to be a penalty, right? So if I do not reach 65 kgs by the end of November, I will not be getting those shoes even if I reach the weight at a later time! That is my goal. 65 kg by the end of November and maintaining it or losing more for the 2 weeks after reaching it.

- I'm broody and want another baby, but feel like the time is not right. How does one balance between the right time and the inherited feeling of broodiness? - I want to have a tummy tuck still. I want to feel beautiful. - I think I may need to go on anti-depressants again.

I have to admit something bad. I've been eating a lot of cookies this past week and it makes me feel so awful. Solution? Maybe cutting out things like cookies/pasteries needs to go at a slower pace than the other things. I rarely have other cravings nowadays, it's just the cookies. I'll start with only having 1 day a week where I won't eat a cookie, and allow myself a cookie on a daily basis except for that day, then slowly work it up to 2 days a week. My weight-loss journey is full of trial and error, and I just don't know what to do to create lifelong habits except try different things. I also need to remember that I don't like the way my digestive system feels after binge-eating all those cookies. It feels heavy and I can't stand it. In other news, I managed to blow-dry my hair using a blow-dryer and separate brush- like they do at salons. I never thought the day would come where I'd be able to do this and it feels great. My hair looks better than

This morning my husband sent me 3 reddit posts. One was about a woman who lost around 22 kilos. I guess to him that's a way of motivating me. The woman looks beautiful in both her before and after pictures. But you know what? Even in her before shot, she didn't have a belly that even remotely resembles mine. I haven't really seen bellies like mine reduce so I don't feel like I have proof it can even happen. So it feels like unless I have surgery, I will always have this mixture of fat and sag and open muscles. The second post was a cute cat post. The third was titled, "I look at this picture whenever I feel that life has been unfair to me,". You could probably guess what the picture was. The type of picture that makes you feel guilty for whining about your first world problems. It makes me feel that there is a voice that nags at me, "you have a roof over your head, safety, peace, a loving family, food on the table, you have everything and you still fe

Sick of being treated like a bully with no regard to what hurt me. Sick of my apologies being thrown back at my face, I don't know what the other person wants at that point. Sick of other people's "illnesses" and "problems" being excuses for them to treat me badly; then if I react or get angry, they point the finger and say "see? she's a bully" I've had it. It seems like there is no way out.

With my cousin's wedding coming up this weekend, i wanted to make sure my foundation and concealers all match my skin tone. My current make up shows a slight variation, and I actually just ran out of concealer today. Decided to try two different ones, from Becca and MAC.  I also picked up a neutral eyeshadow palette full of matte colors, since I have enough shimmery palettes. I have 2 palettes that are supposed to be highlighting ones but they are too colorful and shimmery and I found myself struggling to use them on my face...they ended up being eyeshadows anyway.  Need to practice putting on false lashes...it's been such a long time. I love how they open up my eyes. 

May I settle into a routine and lose more fat than the past few months. Being with my sister is bad for my soul. This is the gut feeling that I should be listening to.