So I... (feelings)
Lately I just haven't been sure what to write about. I didn't want to write about mundane events anymore. I have feelings that I just need to get out.
There's a person who's been haunting me. My relationship with her was shaky at best, but knowing me, I just don't know when to walk away from a situation that doesn't work for me anymore. The relationship was a friendship in its loosest form. To keep this short, I guess there was a competition that I didn't know about. There were misunderstandings and me, in my weakness, I just kept apologizing as if I had really wronged her even though I haven't. For the longest time I was under her spell and I truly believed that I had caused her the misfortune that she claims I did. Finally, I had reached the end of the tether and cut communications between us.
It wasn't that simple. The aftereffects of what I finally did just wouldn't leave me alone. We are basically a family. Dysfunctional, but a family (again- loose form of family). If I happen to be in the same room she leaves without even the slightest glance my way. That doesn't matter to me. I know who I am and I do not engage in petty actions. At some point I was shown and proved to be innocent of what I was accused of. She claims that she was wronged, but I was also and so were my other family members. Now I finally recognize that her behavior had been completely insensitive, self-absorbed and paranoid to the highest extremes,
She is unwell. I do not want to give any details on her mental condition in case someone happens to be read this and I can no longer maintain my privacy and hers.
However. I can't forgive her. I can't wish her well. I am very bitter about the torture that she had put me through. I just can't forgive her and find myself having bouts of excessive rage that I can't shake. She once compared what she accused me of doing to a killer having to be taken to court and judged. If I were to use such an analogy of what she had done to me; I would say if I were the family member of a murder victim where the murder was proven to be completely insane and truly believe they should have killed the person that they have killed; I would still not forgive her.
If whoever reads this thinks that I am evil and capable of wishing ill on others, I am not. I am just in pain. I do not wish ill on her and hope that she gets treatment. On some level I want her to get treatment and hope that it would mean the truth would finally come out, she would admit that she was wrong to accuse me and my family. However, I do know that there is no chance of that happening even if she does pursue treatment.
There's a person who's been haunting me. My relationship with her was shaky at best, but knowing me, I just don't know when to walk away from a situation that doesn't work for me anymore. The relationship was a friendship in its loosest form. To keep this short, I guess there was a competition that I didn't know about. There were misunderstandings and me, in my weakness, I just kept apologizing as if I had really wronged her even though I haven't. For the longest time I was under her spell and I truly believed that I had caused her the misfortune that she claims I did. Finally, I had reached the end of the tether and cut communications between us.
It wasn't that simple. The aftereffects of what I finally did just wouldn't leave me alone. We are basically a family. Dysfunctional, but a family (again- loose form of family). If I happen to be in the same room she leaves without even the slightest glance my way. That doesn't matter to me. I know who I am and I do not engage in petty actions. At some point I was shown and proved to be innocent of what I was accused of. She claims that she was wronged, but I was also and so were my other family members. Now I finally recognize that her behavior had been completely insensitive, self-absorbed and paranoid to the highest extremes,
She is unwell. I do not want to give any details on her mental condition in case someone happens to be read this and I can no longer maintain my privacy and hers.
However. I can't forgive her. I can't wish her well. I am very bitter about the torture that she had put me through. I just can't forgive her and find myself having bouts of excessive rage that I can't shake. She once compared what she accused me of doing to a killer having to be taken to court and judged. If I were to use such an analogy of what she had done to me; I would say if I were the family member of a murder victim where the murder was proven to be completely insane and truly believe they should have killed the person that they have killed; I would still not forgive her.
If whoever reads this thinks that I am evil and capable of wishing ill on others, I am not. I am just in pain. I do not wish ill on her and hope that she gets treatment. On some level I want her to get treatment and hope that it would mean the truth would finally come out, she would admit that she was wrong to accuse me and my family. However, I do know that there is no chance of that happening even if she does pursue treatment.
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